It is so hard to see a loved one fade after living a vibrant and active life. How we approach this painful stage will depend on our perspective. And the Jewish perspective on the end of life differs greatly to much of mainstream thinking today. To approach life and death the Jewish way, we need to make sure we have that perspective very clear.
It often happens that immoral ideas creep into the minds of even those who have otherwise good values. Usually, the way these concepts infiltrate is via catch phrases and clichés. First they enter our vocabulary, then they become a part of our mentality. One example is "dying with dignity." This is a phrase that deserves to die. True dignity comes from the soul. The good deeds we do in our lifetime, the meaning we bring to our days, the beauty and joy we bring to those around us all come from the soul. Your value comes from G-dliness expressed uniquely through your soul. Our body is the vehicle for our soul. It is through the body that our soul achieves goodness in this world. And this goes both ways. We do good for others with our body, and others can do good for us. We give and we receive. Towards the end of life, as the body's strength wanes, we become more dependent on the care of others. Those who are charged with these tasks should view them as an honor. There is no greater dignity than to serve another human being in need. This is not to belittle the pain of seeing a loved one suffer. The body's deterioration can be extremely hard to witness. But some of the most awe-inspiring displays of selfless and unconditional love happen in these final stages of life. These acts of pure giving are among the highest examples of the goodness of the human spirit. That is living with dignity. That is making the world a better place. We end our life in the same way we started it, dependent on the love of others. When an elderly person is blessed to spend their final days surrounded by those who love them and care for them that is a most dignified departure from this world to the next. Wishing you long life and healthy years…. Mendel (Menachem) Bluming taken from many sources includes RA”M
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The Jewish people can best be described as a spiritual family. We are connected by our souls, and every Jew is a part of this invisible web by virtue of our Jewishness. You can either be born into the family or join by choice. But once you are in, you are family, no matter what.
If Jews are a family, the Torah is the family rules. It recounts the family history, defines the family identity, and lays out the expectations of how members of the family should behave and the good they can contribute to the world. Some of the Torah is universal, but much of it is about our particular family and its relationships - with our brothers and sisters, our ancestors, our homeland and the Head of the family - G-d. If you break the rules, you are still a member, because family is family. But those who keep the rules keep the family together. Those who reject the rules usually find their children or grandchildren will drift away from the family entirely, not even knowing what they are leaving behind. But they can always come back. You can never really leave the Jewish family. So if the Jewish people are a family, and the Torah is the family rules, what is Judaism Judaism is a story. The story of a family. Every family has its story - its joys and its conflicts, its high moments and its not so high moments. Parents are sometimes proud of their kids or disappointed with them; children follow their parents' ways or rebel against them. But throughout the family dramas, they remain a family. Judaism is our family story. But not a story to just read, a story to live. We are the characters of the story. The story is bigger than you or me or any one person. But it is about you and me and every individual Jew. Each one of us, through our relationship with G-d and the Jewish people, continues the story that is Judaism. Mendel (Menachem) Bluming and RA”M The Mishna (Brachot 54a) teaches:
Just as we bless G-d for good things, so should we bless Him for bad things. This seems to say that we should make no differentiation between good news and bad. Whether we just won the lottery or a major catastrophe just befell us, we should bless G-d in exactly the same way. But the Gemara elaborates: When we hear good news we say, "Blessed are You G-d, King of the Universe, Who is good and does good." When we hear bad news we say, "Blessed are You G-d, King of the Universe, Who is the Judge of truth." Those two blessings are clearly different. When we win the lottery, we praise G-d for His goodness. Not only is He good, but He does good that we can experience as good. However, when tragedy strikes, we humbly acknowledge that G-d is the one who decides our fate. So, the Gemara asks, what does the Mishna mean by "just as", implying some parity between good and bad tidings? Answers the Gemara: We should accept both good and bad news with joy. Joy? I should be as happy with catastrophe as if I won the lottery? The great Talmudic commentator, Rashi, explains what the Gemara means by joy: When you bless G-d for a painful experience, do it with a full heart. This is teaching us something very profound. When bad things happen to us, we feel pain and we cry. We know it is bad. Even the Mishna called it bad. And yet, we bless G-d. And we say the blessing with joy. Joy does not always mean smiling and dancing. Joy means being fully engaged in the moment, no matter what is going on. We can feel sad, but we must never disengage, switch off, despair or become bitter. Living my life as it is, with a full heart and hopeful soul, this is joy. Sometimes G-d sends me moments of light. I love that, and am thankful for it. Sometimes G-d sends me moments of darkness. I may not like that, but I acknowledge that the hard times come from Him, just as the good times do. Ultimately, I thank G-d even for the dark times, because they are an inexorable part of my story. In the midst of pain, I can look up to G-d with a full heart and say, "I am here in this moment, a difficult and painful one. You have put me here. Which means I am in the right place. This is my life, and I am living it. And I know that it will be good. Thank you." May goodness and kindness pursue you every day of your life (Psalm 23) Mendel (Menachem) Bluming and Rabbi A"M Every other creation was created ready to go. When G-d created camels and hippopotamuses and horses He created them, body and soul, united ready to do what they need to.
Only human beings were created as a lifeless body and then as the Torah shares in Genesis 2:7: “G-d formed the human from the dust of the ground, and He breathed into its nostrils the soul of life.” He breathed a soul of life into that lifeless body to remind us that our soul is not (just) about animating our bodies, your soul is independent from your body. It existed before it was joined with your body and it will continue its journey beyond your body’s passing. Don’t get too caught up with the indulgences and fears and narrow vision of your body. Your body’s life is so fleeting while your soul’s relationships and vision and G-dly awareness are eternal. Mendel (Menachem) Bluming, Maryland When lighting Shabbos candles, it is customary to wave our hands three times inwards before making the blessing. There’s a deep reason for this…
Resting takes a lot of work. Many people are great at achieving, but find it hard to stop achieving. They know how to do, but don't know how to just be. Shabbos is the day of rest, and to do it right you need to know what resting means. Resting is not doing nothing. If it was, there would be no reason to feel rejuvenated after a rest. Not doing may not drain us, but why should it replenish us? True rest is the ingathering of our soul energies. After expending our powers outward, we draw our energies back inward. During the work week we are pulled in all directions, and our frantic activities drain our soul. The creativity and inventiveness that lies within has been exhausted, and so we need to draw our energy back to its source to be replenished and renewed. This is symbolized by the waving motion inward at candle lighting. We are beckoning our soul energy to come back to its source. For six days we were outward beings, investing ourselves in the world around us. On Shabbos we pull back, holding our energy in to regain focus and balance. The idea behind waving the hands three times is that our retreat from the externalities of life happens on three levels: action, speech and thought. One level of Shabbat is the level of action, where we refrain from doing actual work. But a deeper level is the level of speech, when we refrain from even talking about work related matters. We don't make deals and we don't plan for the week ahead. Today we are holding our soul energy close, only using it for enhancing our inner life - our connections with family, friends, community and G-d. And then there is an even deeper level of Shabbos, the level of thought. When we reach this level, we feel as if our weekday life doesn't exist, all our work is done, and we don't have a worry in the world. So when you wave your hands, have in mind that you are about to enter a realm of inner rest, retreating from the superficial world and all its demands, on three levels: You will stop working. You won't even talk about work. And you will even stop worrying about it. When all those external layers are gone, what is left? Just you, your soul, and the relationships that really matter. Mendel (Menachem) Bluming and many other sources Remember when your little brother was born? After being in your mother's tummy for such a long time, he finally came out to be with you and the family. How exciting. You'd been waiting for so long to meet him and play with him, and then he finally arrived.
Your baby brother was very comfortable inside mummy's tummy, where it's warm and he had everything he needed. But he couldn't stay there forever. When it was time, he came out to be with you. In a strange way, death is similar to birth. We leave the world we know and enter the great unknown world outside. All the people who have passed away are in that peaceful and happy place. Just as you were waiting for your brother to come and be with you, the souls of past generations were waiting for your grandfather to join them. Now they are all together. We miss them. But there's nothing to be scared of. Remember you used to talk to your baby brother, even before he was born? He heard you, though he couldn't answer and you couldn't see him. You can talk to your grandfather too. And you can send him a present. Every time you do something good, listen to your parents, do a mitzvah, give charity, learn Torah, think how proud your grandfather would be. At that moment, his soul in heaven gets a good feeling, a gift from you. Just like he smiled every time you visited him, his soul smiles every time you think: "Grandpa would love seeing me do this." So keep on making him proud. Mendel (Menachem) Bluming and Rabbi A”M There are two types of workers: employees and contractors. A contractor is there to do their job, and that's it. As long as I have completed the tasks given to me, as long as the items on my to-do list are accounted for, I’ve done my bit and I can go home.
But an employee has to work until the day is over. It is not enough that my immediate tasks are complete, I have to seek out more work and ensure every moment of the day is productive. Otherwise I am short-changing my employer. We live in G‑d's giant factory, and we are all workers, each with a specific role to play. We each contribute our part to the grand scheme of creating a better world. And we have a choice. We can either suffice with fulfilling our obligation alone, and no more, or we can go beyond that. As long as the job is not yet done, as long as the world is not yet full of goodness, we still have work to do. If you choose to work like a contractor, only looking to fulfill your mission, once your job is done you have nothing more to offer, you have done your duty. But if you choose to be an employee, to serve G‑d not for your own self-fulfillment but for His sake, then there is no end to the good you can do. And so even once you have fulfilled your personal mission, you go on to another task, and then another, until your day is up. Never say you've done enough. And don't be scared of running out of good deeds to do. There's still plenty of work out there. Go do it. Mendel (Menachem) Bluming and RAM Love is like a fire. It can generate a lot of light and a lot of warmth. But to keep any flame alive, it needs to be fed. If you don't keep throwing logs on the fire, it will fizzle out and there will be nothing left.
The logs that fuel love are time spent together, shared experiences, and emotional bonding. Without this nourishment, even the strongest love can dissipate. If we become too distracted with other things, if we are too busy for each other, the love goes stale and we soon drift apart. Like a fire unfed, a love unattended eventually burns out. But logs are not all a fire needs. A fire also needs air. All the wood in the world will not be enough to maintain a fire if the fire can't breathe. And the same goes for love. To be able to love, we need space for ourselves, we need some oxygen. Without it, we lose our individuality, we have nothing to bring to the relationship, and we become boring. Allowing each other to explore interests, maintain friendships and have quiet time outside of marriage is not a threat to the relationship. On the contrary, it strengthens it, because a relationship means connecting to someone else, and to be someone else you need to have a life. For someone to love you, there has to be a you, independent of your partner. Of course this has to be within reason. The fire needs air, but you don't want to blow out the flame by creating too much space. Most of the time you should want to be together with the one you love. And any other friendships or activities that your partner is uncomfortable with should be avoided. Your marriage always comes first. But if you truly love someone, you have to let them exist outside of you, and you need to nurture your own existence too. The Talmud teaches, "If husband and wife are worthy, the Divine presence rests between them." This means that for G-d to be there, you need some space between you for Him to rest. Don't feel guilty about being your own person. That's who your spouse fell in love with in the first place. Mendel (Menachem) Bluming and Rabbi A”M What do you think, should you thank Siri for her assistance?
Some would suggest that it’s just good manners. We say thank you to be polite. Life is more civil when our interactions with others are sprinkled with expressions of etiquette and courteous pleasantries. It’s just nicer that way. If this is the reason to say thank you, then we should thank our software too. By doing so, we create a sense of decorum and civility. It doesn't matter that the technology has no feelings. Our thank you doesn't have feelings either. It’s just protocol. But there is another way of looking at thank you. It is an acknowledgement of choice. When someone does me a favor, they could have chosen not to. Yet they chose to give me their time, energy, attention or resources. So they deserve my gratitude. I appreciate that they chose to share themselves with me, so I say thank you. This only applies to a free agent who can choose. An inanimate object does not deserve thanks, because it did not choose anything. We don’t thank the oven for the food, or the car for the ride. We need not thank Siri for her answers. She didn’t choose to share her knowledge with us. We control her. The choice was ours, and she is merely the tool. (You may have an obligation to thank the tech giants who made Siri. But you thanked them plenty when you paid for the device. And you continue to thank them by giving them your personal data.) Save your gratitude for the real people in your life, who have done good for you when they could have chosen otherwise. And once in a while give yourself credit too for the positive decisions that you make each day... Menachem Mendel Bluming and RA”M The Medrash tells the story of a king who allowed one of his subjects whom he wanted to award, an hour in his treasuries. He was allowed to take whatever he would like. The king also served hors d’oeuvres and expensive drinks were poured and he had beautiful music playing and rare artwork was displayed. The man had plenty of time and so he spent time on the desserts and the drinks and listening to the music and looking at the art until he realized that his time was almost up! He ran to grab a treasure but alas it was almost too late and what he was able to take was minuscule...
We each have limited time on this precious earth with so much to accomplish. Your mission, your Mitzvahs are like treasures, precious beyond measure. G-d also provides ample distractions to challenge you and make your choices meaningful. Your safety is very important still Omicron is not the major story of the week, your mission in life is. COVID is not the big story of the last two years. Don’t allow your time to slip through your fingers. Do you think that our grandparents had the distractions that our children have today? I would insist that they did not but maybe we should ask them first. There are distractions in every generation. Some are urgent and very, very important, they clamor for our attention insisting on our focus. But you may not be available, you have a mission for which you were brought to this earth. No one else but you can accomplish that mission. Don’t allow the breaking news now to distract you. Live YOUR life, fully today. Menachem Mendel Bluming |
AuthorRabbi Mendel Bluming also dedicated six years to serving on the board of directors of the Jewish Federation of Greater Washington, where he received the Matthew H. Simon Rabbinical Award for exceptional communal leadership. Archives
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